Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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