The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
