I just threw up on my dentist
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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