Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I enjoy the company of your penis
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
