I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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