Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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