when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He? As in you personified your dick?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
