Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
