Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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