Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize