It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
