We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
