speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
