apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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