She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
