He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
my liver is dry heaving
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
