Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
