watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
