can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so let's talk penis.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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