The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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