I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.