Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first