Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great