non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.