Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
