Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She bit a glass in half.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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