You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize