Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
