Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
a search helicopter?!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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