she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
