I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
