I smell stomach acid.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We talked him into tasing himself.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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