I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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