How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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