Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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