come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
