haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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