Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
