Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Bring me that man meat
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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