she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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