She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
