id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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