Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
