I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
