Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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