Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
