im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
