P.S. I can't hear my feet
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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