FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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