I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
