I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
