I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
