I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
