the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
