Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
