I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
