Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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