mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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