I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
