Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
